about me..... this is a subject that i dont really like to talk about... reason being is that i am not one that is all about myself.. i like myself yeah but i am not the type of person to drone on and on about how amazing i am, because truly i am just average... except for the fact that i am still a virgin... i have no clue why this is... well i guess that i havn't found love... and that is what i am or was waiting for.... i am not really sure..
there is absolutely not one person that i know that is over the age of 16 and is still a virgin. really now what does that say though about me?.. about our society?.. about our morals?.. i really dont even know anymore.
i had always had the Cinderella dream.. your know the one where she meets her prince and they ride off on his big white horse. white meaning pure.. she was pure when she met him and after they were married she gave him, what at the time would be, the best present she could have, her virginity. but now with society changing so much what is the point on waiting? no one waits at all anymore and sometimes i think, not that i am ready to give that part of myself away but that i need to because it isn't what it used to mean so why the hell am i so scared to give it away? maybe it is the vulnerability of the whole subject..
i have had boyfriends before.. the only thing about that is that i had those stupid middle school boyfriends... the ones where yeah we are dating, we see each other at lunch...lol wow talk about an amazing boyfriend... i had a few of those and then i got to eighth grade and i went to the high school homecoming game. i met my friends guy friend. she had known him all her life. she could tell that i liked him and she told him without me knowing. then later on that night he wanted me to tell him myself. that was really scary for me. i had never had to tell a guy that i liked him first, it was really weird for me, but finally i told him and he asked me for my number. i was so excited and so i waited for a call. the call didn't come for 2 days.
hmm.. i thought that he liked me but i guessed not. he was after all a junior in high school while i was only in eighth grade. then he finally called me. WOW didn't even explain it and after a 4 hour conversation he asked me to be his girlfriend. we dated for 3 months and it was the first holiday, Christmas, that i had ever had a boyfriend. i didn't know what to get him but i knew that he didn't have a watch and he had wanted a good one for a long time, so that is what i got him. i was surprised when he gave me my present, it was a little blue box and inside it held the most beautiful cross necklace that i had ever seen. also with it was a burnt CD that i had been wanting. it was the newest Reliant K CD and written on the CD was I Love You. OMG!!!!
i was not ready for that.... we had only been dating for 3 months, how could he love me that fast?? this i knew was my insecurities flashing through my head, but i was scared, that i would have to say that i loved him back when i didn't know if i did or not. the thing about him was that he didn't get mad or anything that i didn't say it back, he just smiled and said "it is okay if you cant say it right now but i just wanted for you to know how i felt." i was so amazed by his understanding. later he came over for new years and at the stroke of midnight he did not kiss me.... why? i have always wanted to know but i never did get my answer. on January 7th i had been thinking about it way too much and on a whim i broke up with him.
i will never know why i did it. i am pretty sure that i was so scared to be in a serious relationship and i didn't know what else to do. this i think was one of the biggest mistakes that i have ever made. the reason i have always thought this was because if i would have been able to let loose and completely trust him then i don't think that i would have a problem with letting guys see the real me. that is what i am thinking is my problem now, i haven't had a serious boyfriend since him. i know why too, i am way too shy...
~thepureone
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment